I couldn't stop staring at this fish bowl that was in my office today. It had a flower in it that had stopped growing because it was mainly used for decoration. In that exact moment, my intern yelled in my ear as I was lost in reverie and said, "it's like Goldfish." I was annoyed by her because my imagination had taken me there as well.
I can remember hearing this story, whether or not it's true I will leave to you google searchers. Anyways, the story goes like this...when you put a goldfish into a fish bowl, it will only grow as big as the space of the bowl. If you instead put the Goldfish into a lake, it will grow three - four times the size. It adapts and grows bigger when it has more space. I cannot help but relate that to life. I see this story in two ways. The first way is that many people have created this fishbowl around themselves. They create a world where they stunt their growth and keep themselves from being more...being bigger...pushing the edges of their bowl. There is a big ol' pond out there but far too many people are stuck behind the glass walls. The worst part about it is that they cannot recognize the bowl they live in. They cannot recognize their life as one that is all surrounding and static. The second way to look at this story is through the lens of power. I cannot help but think to myself what this fish could be saying, "this is the world and space I got....I'm going to make sure I take it over...and when I'm given more...you know I will rise and grow to the challenge." In this case, it's not about seeing an invisible wall and feeling held back...it's about not caring that the wall is there in the first place and growing as big and mighty as I can- despite the wall. Get it? Neither one is better... My point is that you have to recognize which one you are. Do you feel held back by something invisible? Thinking that you can do more, deserve more and should be more? If that's the case...it's time to break the glass...shatter the fish bowl because it's possible you've outgrown it. The second way is to see the world you live in as something you own and can take over. It doesn't matter if you live in a bowl or pond. You will take it over. The size doesn't matter because you own it. You will own your space no matter how big or small and make it yours. Which one are you? Well... Go fish. Readers....
I am truly honored today as I think about something that was given to me. I was told that I was nominated to do a Ted talk. For those of you who don't know what a Ted talk is...well it's a collection of people that speak about a variety of things. I'm truly honored that someone thinks of my style and lessons as worthy to be nominated for...well...anything. The problem? Well the problem is that I have no idea what to talk about. Can any of you who have been readers of this blog offer some suggestions? I need some ideas soon as I have to present it to the committee. A talk about Schizophrenia? The art of therapy? The Hero's Journey? Help! I’ve been thinking of death for a while now. No, readers, don’t worry…not in a hurt myself kind of way…but in a reflective, stare at the stars and wonder, kind of way. The more I think about it, philosophically, the more I can’t help but wonder what my last words would be.
I would like to think that I’d say something phenomenal and everlasting, something that would be a quote on the back of cereal boxes or at least under a Yoplait yogurt foil, don’t ask why. Something big…ya know? Memorable. Hmmm…but with my luck, I’d end up kicking the bucket while singing an off tone version of Journey’s “Can’t Stop believing” (although…let’s be real…that may be an awesome way to end it all.) I say this because it got me thinking about what matters in life. Now, I’ve written about this before…I’ve taken the time to explore and write about life…but this was different because for a moment I thought to myself… “if we can really kick the bucket at any time…any time….then that means the last words I say, at any time, can be my last words.” That just blew up my mind. I got to think that if that were the case, I wouldn’t want my last lines to be, “yeah…supersize my meal”, “I can’t give you any change”, “I’m too busy”, “I suck”, “I’m stupid”, “You’re stupid”, “I don’t love you” etc. Get it? If I have the chance to die at any point…then there exists a chance that whatever I say, at any moment, could be my last words that were heard. I believe that far too many people waste their words, energies and values on things that just take up too much precious time. They are too busy trying to talk rather than speak. Too busy trying to throw opinion rather than offer it. Too busy trying to take rather than give. Think about all the words you said today. Go ahead…take a moment. Think of your interactions of when you left your house, of when you were driving, on the phone, at the office, with your family. Think of your words…did you waste any? Did you get mad at something or someone and say words that you wouldn’t want to be known for? Did you tell someone something that you wouldn’t want them to live with, for the rest of their life? Did you forget to say something to someone that really matters? Who didn’t/hasn’t heard something that you really need them to know? Because I’ll tell you what…I’d rather spend my last words saying, “I love you” than, “you’re an asshole” And with the exception of those readers that want to be seen as “hardasses” and “tough”, I’m sure you’d want the same as well. You don’t need their respect. You don’t. Far too many people believe that if one person dislikes them, is disrespectful to them, is rude or inappropriate to them…that they have to try harder to make them like you. That’s crap.
Why do people seek out “respect” from others? Simple…they want to stand out from the crowd. Think about it, can you think of someone that you respect? Most likely, the ones that you respect, that come to mind, are the ones that stand out for you- the sharpened crayon when all the others in the box have gone dull. When you respect someone, you are saying that they stand out from others…that they are unique and different… It doesn’t mean that they are better…it doesn’t mean that they have done some superhero feat of strength or task. It simply means that they stand out. Therefore when you say, “I want them/him/her to respect me…” or “I want to be respected…” you are saying you want to stand out. You want to be seen as something different…other…and unique to everyone and everything else. Hell…why not? Don’t we all want that. But the fact remains that we sometimes want it from people who mean nothing to us. We try to earn respect from things and people that do not matter- again, that do not matter. Trust me…I get it…it feels nice to be respected…but too many people aim to have it from the wrong people. Let me tell you who I want to be respected by…my family, my partner, my closest friends, my colleagues and myself. That’s it. Signed. Sealed. Delivered. I want to know that I stand out for them. That I matter to them. That I am respected by them. Because when I am respected by them…I know it’s because I respect them just as much. Meaning that they stand out just as much as I do…that’s why we know one another, why we are in each other's lives. These are the people that know my story and accept me for who I am and what I have done. The guy that cuts me off in traffic, as he flips me off? The random coworker that gossips all day? The gal at the coffee shop that doesn’t get me my drink before the customer behind me? The guy that checks me out as he wears a wedding ring on his finger (yeah that was a weird one)? These are all people that do not matter. That you need not to look for respect from. They do not know you, they do not care for you and really, they do not deserve to. Also, the people who do respect you are the ones that help to sharpen you. That have helped to make you stand out…helped to grow you…those that aim to make you a better person because they want that for themselves. See the difference? I help sharpen you because you stand out as a part of me that I want to be around, and aim for in myself. If instead I do things to break you, hurt you, take away from you…I’m trying to dull you out to match my own feelings of who I am. The takeaway? I want to sprawl out on the floor…lay out the crayons around me and color in and outside of the lines. The crayons you choose to do that with, are up to you. All of you has something that drives you. Can’t think of what drives you? Bullshit. We all have these innate and built in mechanisms that push us…pull us…tear at us- this intolerable itch that seems impossible to scratch.
These basic core drives fuel us in ways that force us to reconsider what is important. What is necessary. What is needed for us despite what appears to be their impossible expectations. In fact, drives can be so powerful that when they take over…when they push…that in order to follow what they ask of you, it becomes necessary to sacrifice happiness, joy, life…everything that makes like worth living for us…in order to complete it’s task. To complete it’s expectation and fulfill it’s goals through us. THROUGH us…not FOR us. So that’s the question isn’t it… What drives you? What drags you? What calls you from beyond your mind, from deeper than your heart, and demands that you do what is necessary and needed for its goal…for your life. I believe that the definition of success is when you can wake up one day and want nothing more. Nothing at all.
…and every day I feel myself getting closer to wanting nothing. Every day I can feel myself wanting absolutely nothing. I reflect on my life and I cannot help to feel warmness within. A feeling of ease when I think about where I’ve come from. It hasn’t been easy. I have my battle wounds like you…my scars that have healed but can’t fade…my stories to tell…mostly told out of tears and sadness sprinkled with flavors of warmth and joy. I’m 30- and out of these 30 years I’ve been homeless, lost my parents, siblings and self. I’ve been to war…in the Marines and also with myself- Ha…something that I keep fighting. I’ve felt loneliness as I’ve huddled by public laundromat dryers for warmth at night and prayed to find just one…more…quarter to keep it running on rainy nights. Growing up, I can recall times that I felt invisible and unseen. I don’t know what family means and to be honest with myself, I don’t know if I ever will. What this did to me growing up was create this drive to be remembered. This drive to be known. In fact, I can think of many times when all I wanted was to be seen…visible…heard. Now, well…I don’t know if I want to be remembered anymore…I really don’t think I want that so much. I think now…well…I just want to touch people. Touch them while I’m alive. Nothing more- and not like that sickos. Whether it be with my patients, my friends, my interns or my students. There is nothing that brings me a greater sense of warmth than knowing that I give them something. Isn’t that the rabbit in the hat though…in living my life and my purpose to help and give to others…the side effect is to be remembered…but it’s not the goal. A double whammy. The point I want to make is that in order for you to live and be remembered well…you have to love. In loving today…you are remembered tomorrow...and because there is no tomorrow…in order to ensure that you exist there, if even in the minds of people, you have to love today. I think that’s how I live my life- loving daily. The guy that cut me off…the coworker who upsets me…the person that spilled coffee on my white shirt…I have to learn to love. To flip the switch and turn to giving rather than taking. Let me break it to you now. You’re not the perfect partner. Oops...sorry!
In other words, too many get caught up in this belief that your girlfriend/boyfriend can probably do better. Stuck in the thought that they are better off with someone else and that we are not worthy of them because of our defects and dents. That we're not worth them. I believe that far too many people try to “buy” their partners and unfortunately give way more of themselves than necessary. They believe that their partner is so out of their league that they end up chasing and trying to prove why they are worthy. Why they are worth the price of admission. Although I believe this is important to an extent, some take it too far resulting in strained relationships, hidden secrets and pressured choices. Those who feel that they are not “good enough” for their partner will end up chasing after them. They will buy them things…give them things…and sacrifice their own opinions in order to keep their partner. They will not give their real opinion or belief. See the unbalance? If I am always chasing after you and proving why I’m a good partner…what happens when the partner leaves me anyway? I feel crappy…I get lost in not knowing why they left…I blame myself, fall off my balance and suddenly nothing makes sense anymore- the Jenga blocks have fallen. If you go into a relationship feeling that you have to prove why you’re worth the price of admission, the rides will never be fun. You will feel less than and on the constant chase. You will disappoint your partner. You will upset them and you will absolutely jack up. Many times. Accept that- because they will do these things too. This is why I say that we get sold on the idea that our partners can do better. We get so caught up in our mistakes and short comings as a partner, hyper focus on us so much…that we forgive them and forget that they make mistakes too. We let them off the hook because they have “chosen” to be with us…and (in a sarcastic tone) “aren’t we so lucky to have them”. Instead… When you accept that they are a wonderful human being and soul that has chosen to be with you, despite their ability to be with another, you realize that you are already worth the price. There is no need to push inappropriately to prove yourself. When you go into a relationship lost and bringing your own flavors and colors…there is no need to focus on being better or more FOR them…there is only the need to be with them. No presents…no secrets…no masks…no need to be perfect...no need to chase...only the need to be naked. Only naked…in more ways than metaphorically ;-) We know that the more we stretch, the less strong we are. The more ways that we bend and flex, the less we can carry. This goes the same for relationships and your life. When you are busy focusing on work, kids, your partner…that leaves little to no time for you.
But we know that all of you will try to carry the world anyways. You will try and fit it all in because you’re supposed to. You end up trying to juggle work, school, kids, partners, elephants, clowns and wookies. It’s ridiculous. Yet instead of stretching you end up breaking pieces of yourself and giving them to others. Many of you may relate to this. When you break yourself into pieces to hand out to others you start to feel disconnected to things…most importantly to you. Things that made you happy and gave you that wonderful feeling of flight and high…no longer does that. Things that once helped you feel beautiful and held…now instead feel low and lack color. Life becomes routine and dull because of your giving all parts of yourself away. Many call this burn out…I call this broken. You have given so many pieces of yourself that now, nothing seems to fit back together. There is a lifelessness that occurs. Now some of you may argue with me while you read this… It would sound something like… “well…giving to those things makes me feel whole and complete…they are part of me” and to that I would say, “great!” But know that although it may feel like that now, recognize that everyone needs a break from that which they constantly give. You have to find your breaks. Your ways of breathing and your ways to give back to ONLY you. You deserve it. Find a babysitter, take a real vacation, get a massage- hell get 8. Do something for you. Your stretching will thank you. Your piece will mend together faster. You will be made more whole. |
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May 2024
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