— Amy Pond
Source: Doctor Who
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You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad. They're okay." And then you get to know them and... and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.
— Amy Pond Source: Doctor Who
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When I go work out, I put on work out clothes....
When I go to work, I'm in a shirt and tie... When I get off work and go to a bar, I put on sweet smelling cologne... When I get home, I take it all off... Fuck that's exhausting. Strip it off ladies and gentlemen. Be you. Naked. Open. Dirty. Let your gooey inside show...let the ugly come out...that is you. Not the mask you wear. The more you try to fit into expectations, the more you begin running after something, the more anxiety you create, the more pain you feel. Be the shape that doesn't fit into the box. What will you lose to do this? ...acceptance? approval? Membership? What will you gain? you, you, you. In the beginning, we have to go through a dance. We need to step on shoes in order to get a feel for the other person. We also have to set boundaries to protect ourselves. We’re feeling each other out, learning to trust each other. In order to do this, there needs to be a push and pull. It’s expected. But there is a difference between a dance and a game.
Games stem from insecurity and fear. We use them as a shield. A game means there will be a winner and a loser, and if you want to play games, you are telling yourself you will be one or the other. This is a dangerous mindset. Now there’s something at stake. Your worth. Or that’s what you believe which is why you are so determined to win. If you want to play games, buy a Playstation. You are not ready to date. Some people will not like you.
This is not an opinion. It is a fact. You have a choice. Either continue to be you. Or chase after them for their approval. If you chase and convince them to like you, they still don’t like you. They like a version of you that you are projecting. This takes a lot of energy, creates anxiety, and leaves you powerless. Use that energy to be the most honest version of yourself as you can. The more you do this, the less you will chase. The less you chase, the closer you will be to your potential. Drive your stake because what’s at stake is your worth. Do you want to be liked or remembered? Gone traveling lately?
That's not one of the questions.... When you fly into an airport and walk through the security clearance guy, you hear three questions: Who are you? Where are you going? What is your business there? Can you hear the beautiful metaphors in that? (also not one of the questions). I believe life is about trying to answer these questions. An ongoing conversation, a long distance chess game that we have to try and work out for ourselves. Now sure, we can very easily stay surface and say, "I'm Andrew" "I'm going to a strip club" "I'm going to spend dollars on overweight strippers that stole my wallet last Wednesday" (Kidding) Sorry...jsut had to joke...if I didn't...well I wouldn't be me...but anyways... I challenge myself daily to try and understand these three questions...but more than understand, I spend time trying to make conversation with them. yes, conversation with them. Like working out, daily attention must be given.. I believe that too many people focus on the end and want the answer, the quick turn around and fix..the interpretation...but that's crap.... "There is no "end" to working out...there is only "to be continued". There is no immediate answer to these questions. Know that things can be answered with a "to be continued" because that allows continued exploring, conversing, growing and building. ...no blog will ever do them justice....but for you- your ability to continue the conversation should be a daily intention. It should come sometime between brushing your teeth and losing your wallet :) We walk around with a set thought of who we are and what we bring. Everyone does. We use this internal measuring stick, this idea with everyone and everything we encounter. This invisible internal stick ends up becoming that which we then use to compare ourselves with others. This internal stick becomes our psuedo self...a self that is not a representation of who you really are...but instead a fabricated self that we THINK others want us to be.
The guy with raging pecs...the girl with a big rack...the guy with a fancy car...the girl with a small waist line.... What happens? well...one day you're walking along and run across a cute girl...your stick comes out (ey yo) and instead of you being you, you end up trying to show this stick. This psuedo self comes out. Where does this stick come from? It comes from a variety of places...a cracked foundation growing up, abusive relationships, parents walking with with a pseudo self....but ultimately, I believe it comes from fear. Fear that we will not be accepted or held, that our love will not be returned... So fear stunts us...ever hear that line from friends...."I keep finding the same type girl...." or even, "All the good guys are either taken or gay?" Those are excuses. Those are statements we use to defend ourselves...yes, yes, yes defense is good but not when it keeps you grom growing. I believe that people only accept the type of love that they think they deserve....and unfortunately, that definition of "what I deserve" stems from your psuedo self...not your true self. So what do you do... You need to take an inventory of who you are. Here's your shopping list: What are your gifts? What do you bring? What makes you smile? What do you value? When you "feel" that you don't "measure" up, can you tell your psuedo self to shut the fuck up? What else can you add to this list? ...oh and pick up some eggs When it comes to romantic relationships, can you really truly be in love with multiple persons? Perhaps not all at once, but if you are in a romantic relationship and are in love with your partner, when you meet someone else and fall in love with that new person, were you really in love with the original partner to begin with?
How many "true loves" are you "allowed" in a life time? I personally know someone who believes she falls in love with all of the partners she has been involved with romantically, but I'm not so sure I believe her when she says she has been IN love with each and every one of them. I understand that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, so could it be confusion between the two since it can be overlapping at times? First...one question at a time...boy. Second...let me take a drink....okay...GO! When I hear people talk about "falling in love" with multiple partners, I hear, "I am lost..." A person who falls in love different people is trying to fill up a hole inside themselves...a hole that they think they can fill with that perfect, ideal love and relationship. They are broken...and hope to get fixed by trying every tool in the toolbox (that's what she said). A broken-ness that they feel (but can't verbalize) will be helped by someone else...They are searching...looking and trying to find pieces of themselves. They are lost. One of my favorite quotes on love comes from an inspired movie...a movie deep and filled with philosophical ooze...it's called "Wedding Crashers" In it, Owen Wilson says something like, "love is the recognition of itself in another." Love is not a multiple choice test. It's something that we choose to do because it requires our willingness to share our gifts with another. A choosing to allow someone into our weird little worlds, a choosing to partner with them, not for them. I do believe that we can love people in different ways and I believe that every single person in your life is there for a reason- but like milk they have expiration dates. I do not believe in true love. I believe in truly loving yourself. When you can accept who you are, what you cherish, your values, your worth, your gifts and your story then "falling in love" doesn't exist...only sharing your love does. Hard on Yourself Much?
When people say they are too hard on themselves, what I believe they are really saying is I need to forgive myself. Put a bookmark here. I think you have a strong Pseudo self that overrides that piece of you that believes you can do something or deserve something. Distorted cognitions are usually amplified because of dysfunctional upbringings. You are hard on yourself because you are desperately trying to prove something. Ultimately that you are lovable / valuable. It’s this inner fight that’s causing you anxiety. Of course. A lot is at stake. Your worth. And the more you fight and lose, you harder you will be on yourself. Because there’s that little kid in your that believes they were wrong. It’s a viscous cycle. A pattern that needs to be broken. So how do you do that? Back to forgiving. I think it starts here. You have to forgive yourself for all that has happened to you, all the relationships that have “failed”, the people you have hurt, the bad choices you’ve made. Although it starts with a choice, it is a process and it looks different for everyone. Pull yourself out of self and see your story as if you were a friend. Give that kid a mega phone. All the points that “she” believes she did wrong, what would you tell her? Do it. Daily. Until you start believing it. I’ve been divorced for 5 years and I still tell myself what happened wasn’t entirely my fault. I did the best I could with where I was, as did she. It was meant. And it’s over. And I forgive myself. Every. Single. Day. Remind. Not dwell. This process will allow you to accept your story which I believe is a giant piece in forgiveness self. Forgive yourself. Start by - Accepting your story. Completely. Most people can’t or won’t do this and this is where they get stuck. If you haven’t fully accepted and embraced your story, you will also be standing in quicksand. The more you forgive and accept, the less you will have to prove. When your mind is not set on “proving”, you are creating a space for your Solid Self to get stronger. Keep your dial here and your Solid will eventually be the blade of grass that cracks concrete. As you maneuver in this state, in work, relationships, with friends, some will support this new you and some will not. You have to be strong and keep pulling from your Solid. That record you’re used to playing will probably play the loudest. With every fiber of your being, ignore it. Keep pulling from your truth. In action, this may mean telling someone how you feel, drawing boundaries, ending relationships, or starting a new one. The more you do this, the less inner conflict. The less inner conflict, the closer you will be at your potential. You are becoming shiny and that Pseudo that used to scream is now a whisper. You will notice things will line up. You will start setting PRs, people will gravitate toward you, and your will finally be able to share your gifts with the world. Knowing who you are makes you better at what you do. This will cause your self esteem to rise. This is what breaking a pattern looks like…feels like. This is the process and it takes time. Many people can’t get here without therapy or some kind of coaching. Life is the exercise. From the time you wake up to the time you go to bed, you are working this program. Angry So many of us have been on dates or met people or have randomly come across something/someone that we feel a little concerned with. Whether it be first dates, new friends or even a decision that we have to make.
For example, you go out on a date and you find out that they smoke marijuana and you don't...or they like to party until they pass out....or they like to pee into empty bottles that they collect on a dresser until one day it falls over and gets all over my rug.... anyways, you decide or talk to your friend or something, and you'll hear something like, "oh....that's a flag!" ever hear this before? "he does what when he goes out? damn...oh that's a flag..." I want to talk about flags and how they relate to our lives. Many don't know that I was in the Marine Corps for 7 years (unless you read my first early posts) and while in the Marine Corps you learn a couple things. One of which is this...flags don't tell us to stop shooting, they tell us how to adjust for the wind. The harder the wind blows, the harder the flag waves, and more we have to adjust in order to hit our target. I believe that people see flags and run away, they see a waving flag and call it quits because it scares them...it worries them...or they don't want to adjust for the wind. Here's the problem, if you let flags scare you all the time, you'll never hit your target. You'll turn and run, waiting for the "perfect" shot...waiting for your "time"...waiting...waiting...waiting...for the "perfect" shot. This is bullshit. This waiting turns to missing your target over and over again. In fact, it's not even missing, it's not even engaging. You can't wait for the perfect shot, you have to take your shots and continually adjust. When you see a flag...don't run...take your shot. ...adjust for windage when needed. |
Quick Pick!
May 2024
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