Any readers have this experience?
Life is over there. I’m over here, watching. Everything I want to do is over there. The kind of person I want to be is over there. The way I want to love is over there. The dreams I have are over there. I see them. But I can’t grab them. Or at least that’s what I believe. So I just sit here and watch. Wish. Want.
Instead of living, I observe.
I spend my whole life watching. Replaying old memories and all the things that could have happened. Should have happened. All the almosts. All the could have beens. I carry them and play them back. Like an injured quarterback replaying his old college days because it’s all he has now. I spend my days in my head. Thinking. Dwelling. Dreading. Wondering. In fear. In worry. In contemplation. All behind a wall of plexiglass made of excuses and fear. I know all the things to do to change my life. But I do nothing.
So life happens to me. It falls on my lap. I take it like a sip of something I don’t really want to drink but it’s better than nothing. And because my truth is not involved, everything in my life is lukewarm. I go through the motions. I escape with food and television and meaningless sex and watch others live their lives while I am here. On this side. Until I die.
Or am I already dead?
The worst thing you can give yourself in this life is a giant what if. Complacency. Stutter. Doing nothing.
The pattern of living with what ifs is a virus that spreads. It may go dormant for a while but it’s always right there underneath. Waiting to outbreak when you feel the weakest. “Failing” is a cut. A scratch. Temporary pain. Not knowing is suffering. It’s a disease that will eventually take your life. The cure is to do, to attempt. Often. That’s what creates journeys → life. Not the result.
You know this. But still, you don’t move. You just watch. You take in information. You process. You think a lot. But you do nothing.
Because you may believe you can’t. Or on a deeper level, that you don’t deserve. Or that good things don’t happen to you. You have accepted and that acceptance keeps you in quicksand.
Move your chips. From achievement to attempt. The value is not on the result. It’s in training yourself to attempt, often, no matter how big or small, so you don’t have to live in what ifs anymore. So you can shatter the plexiglass.
And finally, get to the other side.
Start living.