It was an interesting weekend. I almost felt like an exposed wound…or open cut available for all to see. I couldn’t be satisfied. I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to wake. I think that the only thing that kept my head straight was silence or the background sound of music. The music, I felt it float through me…offering the only peace I had.
Even then…distraction was not my friend. I needed protection from my exposure. My head was in other places. I could not see anything. I couldn’t touch anything. I was under the thumb of what was moving inside me. Alcohol didn’t numb me, movies didn’t hold my attention. The barking of an annoying puppy ate at me…no matter how hard I tried to run away from the feelings...or tried to use things in my world to pull me into different places....I was followed. The harder I ran, the faster it caught up to me. I was playing a psychological game of tag. I would touch on my thoughts, then pull away. I would be caught then force myself to sprint.
I think that was the problem. I kept running from my head. I kept trying to get away. "I didn't want to be it." But again, that was the problem. I decided that no matter how hard I ran...I was not going to get far. I was the fat kid running from the school bully. I decided instead to let the daydreams take me over. I decided that sometimes...it's not about what you're running towards...sometimes it's about what you're running from.
I choose to let it catch me. My thoughts, my emotions, my head, my heart. The only way to get past it, was to go through it.
I believe that these moments in life are needed. The moments when you feel an inner restlessness…not like a drug…but almost like a drug. To feel the call of something or attraction that doesn’t let you go. An image, a picture, a feeling in your head…in your heart…that demands more thought from you. More feeling. More of your time. I believe that it is when we avoid these pulls or draws...that they come at your harder...and as you run away from those ones, you then go to any length in order to avoid them. That looks like drugs, bad relationships, or religion.
I needed to slow things down. I needed to allow my thoughts to catch up and take over for a moment. I had to stop running...I walked. I allowed my head to float...my fantasies to flood it all. I let myself take moments in silence to simply not think...but pretend. To stop measuring and instead splatter. To dance and not sit.
I felt better. I gave my thoughts and fantasies their time. I allowed them to take over while I was simply witness to the process. This allowed an airing of energy. This was my version of paying respect to my inner processes. My meditation. My prayer. My respects. My honoring of the presence.
We all need this type of process to happen. Allow yourself the opportunity to let go. Allow yourself a chance to reconfigure and reconsider. To reflect and without judgement, play in your head and body. Not everyday...but every so often...do yourself a favor...
...let yourself be caught.