Whenever people talk to me about going back to an ex I can’t help but cringe a bit. I do that because like other people, I have had that thought in the past. It’s hard. You’re alone, not seeing anyone, and the person that once filled the seat in your car isn’t there anymore. It’s not just that either…
Those of you who have had a break up can probably understand…it’s all the little things. For me, I remember driving to or from somewhere and not having anyone to call. Normally, on a long drive you would call your partner to check in, see how their day was or even just kill the time but when you’re alone…suddenly you realize how they would fill in the empty spaces between events and people that don’t mean as much as they do.
For some, what happens is that the attraction is too much. The temptation is too hard. At some point, you or they will call and suddenly you’ve found how to fill those empty spaces again. Here’s the problem though…going back to an ex is like listening to your favorite old album.
Yeah…it is. You turn it on after not hearing it for a long time and suddenly you can’t help but enjoy it. You say, “oh yeah! I remember that song…” or even, “I can tell you exactly where I was when I first heard this.” You see, that’s the problem with old relationships. You get fooled into feeling the same things that you once felt before. In fact, for many they really enjoy it. They play the music over and over again just like they did before and like before they begin to enjoy and relive all the old feelings again.
Hear me! The problem isn’t that you feel the same things…the problem is that those feelings are based on the same notes. The same songs. The same lines. The same chorus. You can get tricked.
Can anyone remember “greatest hits” albums? What do they do? They put their old songs with a different and new CD cover. Same songs…different package. Bam…you just got tricked again.
Going back to an old relationship is just that. It’s playing an old album, reliving the music and notes in order to feel what you once did before.
The problem? Here’s one…they may say that they’ve changed, grown and have become more and perhaps they have, but really, perhaps they have simply changed the cover of the CD while still containing the same tricks…oops…I meant tracks.
So…should you go back to an Ex? For me…no…and here’s why…
What tends to happen is that you realize a few things as you date an ex again. Yes, it may be fun, semi-wrong and enjoyable…but at some point you will begin to experience the same reasons for the break up in the first place. One thing you need to remember is that you stopped listening to that album for a reason. Perhaps you grew out of it. Perhaps you realized that it was the same thing over and over again never really helping you increase your tastes or personal styles…perhaps it came down to you simply forgetting that it was there…you left the album in your car CD player because it didn’t stand out amongst other tunes and you grew out of it. For whatever reason, you stopped playing it.
You see, a relationship can be the playing over and over of a song or album. The changing of the rhythms and cycles…but in my opinion…the best relationships…the ones that last…the ones that move a person and keep them dancing are the relationships that try and move, change, grow a person and force them to make new.
Let me give you an example…
One of my favorite groups of all time are the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I love their music. I would even argue that they have stood the test of time, as well. Meaning, they have classic music that we can all carry memories with while continuing to create music today that is well done…or at least what I enjoy. What makes them interesting is just that…some of their early stuff is drastically different than what they have today…but it still carries the spirit of who they are. Just at a different time. Their style of music has evolved, changed and moved based on where they are in their lives.
That’s the kind of relationship you want. You don’t want the same songs. Same tracks. Same feeling. You want growth, movement and change. That kind of relationship stands the test of time…by working to create something new together that is different, moving but still containing the spirit of who you are…no more replaying music that simply takes you back in time.
I want music that takes me through time from my present to my future. That challenges who I am. That forces me to consider new notes and lyrics. That paints my future with experiences that perhaps I haven’t heard or ever had. Not music that keeps me in the past, reminds me of times that I don’t need to hold onto.
Actually…I like that. I want a relationship that carries me into the future…not one that keeps me in the past.