There is no other way.
I half ass a lot of things. But I can not half ass love. I’m either all in or all out. This can be a curse more than a gift when it comes to dating. I can’t just date to date, even though I feel like I need to since I’ve always been in long term relationships. Recently, I’ve come to terms with it. I like the way I love. I believe I’m good at it and I rarely say I’m “good” at anything. It’s not because I’m sensitive or went to therapy school. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not perfect in relationships and I have my issues. The belief that I am a good lover is due to one thing and one thing only. I love without fear. It is a choice. A difficult one. I understand the risk. My heart’s been broken just like yours. I’ve been in a world of hurt. I’ve been confused. I’m been ambivalent. I’ve changed my mind. I’ve been left. But I have tasted fearless love. And once you’ve tasted that, you can’t go back to anything else. You can’t hit the kind of notes that love has to offer if you are afraid. Afraid of rejection, getting hurt, or being alone. If I choose to love you, I will love you harder than you have ever been loved. That is not a promise to you. That is a promise to me. Lukewarm love is not love. That’s a transition. Real love means attacking it like a starving dog with a bone. To love fully means jumping out of planes. Sometimes without a parachute. Love is not just about support, acceptance, and active listening. Love means holding someone’s soul with two hands, looking into one’s eyes and not seeing the future but only the present because nothing else fucking matters. That’s the kind of love I want. Or I would rather be alone. Am I crazy? Am I shooting too high? Do I need to be realistic? Or maybe you have forgotten what it means to love. Or feel like you don’t deserve it? Our hearts were not designed to love soft. If you’re going to love, love. hard.
There is no other way.
0 Comments
My blog has been just that. My blog. A collection of things that I think about...thoughts that are too important for me to forget. A place of reminders and reveries. A reference of lessons that I want to hold on to- my own, others and no ones.
I imagine it like a cool jean or leather jacket that I sew patches onto from the random places I've been. Random bands that I like at the time or tears and rips in seams from overuse and continued wear. I put patches on top of patches, logos and sayings on top of one another. I want more. It is not meant to be a place for everyone to turn to or learn from (it may be a side effect though)...it is meant to journal me and my journey. A digital jean jacket. Those who visit and pick something up from it...drop something off for me to read or look at, are welcome to do so. I welcome you to. Paste things on it...take things off of it...all part of the journey. When you continue to have a friend with benefits after the relationship is over.
I believe this stems from fear. It is a love hate relationship that you are having with them. The reasons? Many. You left them for a reason and yet you continue to be intimate with them. I think that people will do this because they are holding onto something that they cannot let go of. What does the sex do for you? Make you feel safe? Wanted? Secure? A replacement for something? Or a bridge until the next relationship? The fact is that masturbation does the trick as well ya know? That’s why I don’t think it’s just about getting off, there is something that you are gaining from it. Something that they are filling in you figuratively (and I guess literally…ey yo!). I got this metaphor from an intern. She says it can be like eating sweets when on a diet. We work out really hard and try to be good, but then we slip, eat the piece of chocolate and then immediately feel bad about it. It’s not because we didn’t enjoy the chocolate, but more so because it does nothing for us but satisfy a craving in the moment. We then head to the gym to try and work it off when all you had to do was not eat it in the first place. I believe that friends with benefits, after the relationship has ended, are the same way. You break up with them because of some reason and yet you hold onto them in this way to help fill a need. To help fill something in you. Let go. Boundaries are important in our lives. They help us separate, pull apart and stay whole. In fact, being in this field, boundaries help keep us objective and untouched by others. At psychology school we are told to keep distance and far enough as,"professional" distance, will help keep us apart from our patients.
The problem? I believe that although we need to have these boundaries up, we build boundaries out of brick and mortar. We build slabs of stone that protect so well that it actually bounces and suffocates us. We get stuck in our secluded and hidden world, protected and "safe" from all things that try to affect us...clients, patients, family, friends, our true selves. We hold our true selves hostage. A trained terrorist, your ego holds the trigger against the temple of who you really are. He makes demands against you, acts against you, and keeps all others out. Your sense of needing to build boundaries and protect yourself has resulted in a domestic violent situation to which you have actively created and participate in. This same wall is what keeps really good guys away from you...the wall that keeps great possible dates out of your life...the wall that repels and scares people. Am I saying that you have to break down walls and let everyone in? Well...kinda. I'm not saying let all your stuff leak out and infect and take over others...I'm saying that instead of building walls out of brick and mortar, use chain link fence. Chain link is permeable, flexible and climbable. It separates but allows vision, openness and possibility. I wrote awhile back about the use of paint buckets in relationships. If you are the color blue and others are the color yellow....when you connect and meet them...you make green. Something different and new between two things...creation of different...mixed. Chain link allows the mixing of colors. It allows the blending of who you are with others to create something different. See the difference? Walls stop. Chain link breathes. Breathe deep. What is real vulnerability? Real vulnerability is when I can touch your core…your truth and have an effect on it. When I can feel your energy as not separate from mine, but part of mine. When you have handed yourself over to me only because you can feel me do the same. When I can feel you drop weightless into me…willing to follow me into the depths of fire knowing that I will lead you back…or be trapped there forever with you. It is a risk. It is a blind jump with no guarantee that you will be caught. No guarantee that you will not feel pain or be saved by the bungee chord. It is a choice. An action that requires more than being open, it requires demands courage. It's scary and frightening but don't worry- it's supposed to be. That's normal. The real question is whether or not the person you chose to be vulnerable with...is worth it? In the end, ask yourself, "are they worth the pain?" Whatever your answer is, let that help you decide to jump. I believe we all have this notion of who we are. How we come off to people and do not take the time to consider where we are wrong. Sure, some may be right, but in my experience…the curtains don’t match the drapes (I keep trying to use this metaphor and can’t get it to fit). What we show to others is really different from who we are or feel we are.
What happens? We end up keeping the same friends and falling into the same habits. We end up making the same choices and falling into the same quick sand…we dig ourselves out only to ask the same questions. Never considering and thinking about where we are jacking up. We get comfortable and go through motions…resulting in that slippery slope where we are at the bottom trying to get out. Think of your habits! Alcohol? Unfair criticism? The same type of date? Biting nails? One night stands? Not thinking? Anger? Abuse? What do you do? Recognize where you are making the same choices. That requires a constant and daily intention to focus on you. It requires you to focus on the behavior that you keep doing. It’s a process, not a switch. It’s a constant attention to the decision you keep making. This activity…this exercise… gets easier with time. You are working out the muscle…you are putting it to use…your ability to recognize your bad choices. The more times you work out the muscle…the stronger it gets…the more efficient it becomes and the easier it is to activate it. Eventually, the process becomes a switch and it becomes as easy to turn off the action as it would be to turn off a light. Men.
Push past your own fear. Push past what you feel holds you back from grabbing her hand. Women can smell fear…it charges them and when you ask them to hold your fear and give you permission, they pull away. They don’t want that. They are not asking you to take control of them or the situation, they are asking you to take control of yourself. Sit confident and aware of what you want. Who you are. No expectation. When you can do this, she will respond, and she will respect you because she can sense that you respect yourself. Pay respect to her. Treat her as art. Have you traced the lines on her face. The wrinkles? The smile lines? The bits that no one has ever noticed before? Have you kissed the areas of her body that have only been touched by clothing? How about took the time to breathe her in and enjoy the scent that is released from her skin? Can you paint her body in the canvas of your mind without having to see her? Loving is more than sweat and grinding. It’s a painting. It’s a process. It’s an art. She is the masterpiece. Now they may shy away from it at first, question you and become embarrassed, but your job is push past that. Make her feel like an art piece. Priceless, deep and rich with meaning. Stare at her softly, gaze into eyes, stroke her softly, but with intent. This is not a one night stand. Treat it like your last meal. If I told you that you had one more night to be with her…ever…your mind would shift…you probably wouldn’t move to scarf her down…you would move to enjoy her and every part that she has. Kiss parts of her face with care, focus on the experience of her skin on your lips and I promise she will feel it. Hold her close and rub her back as you lightly tease her. Play, respect, paint and repeat. Don't turn to blogs, books or friends as the instruction manual for life. They are simply stars in the sky. When you read something impactful...when you see something or understand the text and content of it, that is like looking at bright stars in the sky....the real magic occurs when you can start making constellations out of it. When you start connecting the dots...when you pay attention and read the constellation then draw your own lines out of the spots that are already there. How do you use those notes...how do you put them together to create music?
We can all learn to read and write music...we can all learn to read the stars...but the real trick is learning to read what happens between the notes...what lines and what sense can you create out of the flickering pieces of light. |
Quick Pick!
May 2024
|